Blizzard took ten years and reportedly spent $160 Million on the film adaptations of their popular game franchise Warcraft which in the opinion of many critics produced a sub-par cinematic experience. Here are some of my favourite quotes from the film reviews:

“Almost worth watching, if you still find yourself at loose ends after you’ve given the dog a bath, organized 10 years’ worth of tax returns and completely moth-proofed your closet.”

Stephanie Zacharek – TIME Magazine

Full Review

“A lot of sentimental hogwash about fathers and sons heading off to war.”

J R Jones – Chicago Reader

Full Review

“Unless you are very familiar with the video game or novels, trying to follow the plot of this movie is like trying to follow a story committee meeting in which the participants are having a lot of disagreements. It is hardly a standalone story.”

Robert Roten – Laramie Movie Scope

Full Review

I decided to put my opinions in a serious and very grounded email to Blizzard’s PR team as to the future direction of Blizzard’s film making department:

Dear Blizzard,

As a gamer and a devoted World of Warcraft player, I want to thank you and your development team for all the time and effort which has been devoted to the franchise. However, I can’t help but wonder about the $160 Million foray into the film industry. The film industry is growing outdated, and many agree that video games are the future of storytelling and entertainment, so why step backwards and spend that kind of money on adding yet another title to the long list of blockbuster movies?

Instead of spending that kind of money on a sequel, I have a sensible suggestion to push forward in a new frontier rather than an old one. The Indian Space Research Organisation put a probe on Mars for $72 Million, so perhaps with $160 Million, you could put a Troll on Mars, instead. There are many Trolls within the World of Warcraft community that I would love to see deposited on Mars. Some of them even have green skin. I’m sure this kind of endeavour would greatly benefit the world and even Azeroth, much more than yet another movie. I’m sure even King Varian Wrynn is fed up of dealing with Trolls at court. Why else would he have the Stockade in Stormwind full of them?

I hear the Dreanai are pretty good at building space ships, so perhaps they could spare you some parts, to aid in your development. I wouldn’t choose a Dreanai as a pilot, though, as judging on their arrival in Azeroth, they clearly make better technicians. Alternatively, if you want to go low cost then you could send a gnome instead, as they would require less space and upkeep. I would, however, advise against sending a Dwarf, as once they’ve drank the alcohol they brought on board, likely before even escaping atmosphere, they would probably start on the rocket fuel instead.

Yours hopefully,

A dedicated World of Warcraft player, who would love to see Trolls on Mars.

Unfortunately, either Blizzard’s PR team have been inundated with emails lately and are taking three weeks to plough through them all, or they’ve declined to comment on my well thought out suggestions and clearly don’t have a sense of humour. I know which one I would bet on here…

Nevertheless, after release in China, the Warcraft film was declared a box office success, grossing, to date, over $400 Million. The game franchise is extremely popular in China and so that surge in box office earnings was to be expected, so I guess critic’s opinions don’t always indicate success or failure at the box office. However, I would still suggest you spend a few moments browsing the reviews linked above should you still be contemplating a visit to the cinema to watch this film. It might just save you two hours of your life.

And for those of you wondering, no, I haven’t watched the film. I’ve been busy moth-proofing my closet.